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Feb 7, 2008 12:00 pm US/Eastern
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'The Hottie and the Nottie'
By CHRISTY LEMIRE, AP Movie Critic
(AP)
Really, there's no point in paying to see a movie starring Paris
Hilton — she of the platinum blonde extensions and the nonexistent
acting range — because you can get exactly what she has to offer for
free by turning on a TV infotainment show or clicking on any number of
gossip Web sites.
In "The Hottie and the Nottie," she once again essentially plays
herself, or at least the version of herself she's concocted for public
consumption. (Sadly, the world may never get to know the "real" Paris,
if such a thing exists.) Then again, Katharine Hepburn built a career
on portraying a carefully crafted version of herself, so hey,
anything's possible.
This time, Hilton stars as sexpot Cristabel Abbott, who's so
massively desirable, men line the beach path where she jogs every day
(in slow motion, naturally) with marriage proposals and other wacky
expressions of love. Cristabel has an entire walk-in closet devoted
entirely to her extensive collection of lingerie. When she practices
yoga, the instructor compliments her on the quality of her downward
facing dog.
She does everything but say the words, "That's hot." (But Hilton
does get to utter this bizarre clunker of a line: "A life without
orgasms is like a world without flowers.")
Clearly, she could have any man she wanted, but she refuses to date
until her homely best friend from childhood, June (Christine Lakin),
finds a boyfriend. Gangly, insecure Nate (Joel David Moore), who's been
in love with Cristabel since they were 6, schleps from Maine back to
Los Angeles to win her heart 20 years later — but before he can get to
the hottie, he must go through the nottie. (As Nate's obese,
wisecracking pal describes June, "She's like some hideous dragon
guarding the princess from escape.")
Director Tom Putnam's movie, which plays like a poor man's Farrelly
brothers comedy, is as lazy and formulaic as they come. Even before we
meet June, we have every reason to believe she's secretly gorgeous, and
simply in need of some veneers and a facial wax. (Early on, she
actually resembles Jerri Blank, Amy Sedaris' character from "Strangers
With Candy.")
Working from Heidi Ferrer's wholly uninspired script, Putnam runs
through all the gross-out gags you'd expect. There are fart jokes and
poop jokes, vomit and snot, dirty socks and granny panties. A bit in
which June's infected toenail flies off her foot and into the mouth of
a guy Nate is trying to set her up with is particularly unpleasant. All
of it is unfunny.
Little by little, her true beauty shines through, thanks to some
makeover work from a model-turned-dentist named Johann (Tom Brady
look-alike Johann Urb) who's too good to be true and may or may not
truly be into June. Of course, she also ends up turning Nate's head in
the process.
The presence of Moore as our goofy hero makes all this flat tripe
feel vaguely tolerable. There's something slightly charming about his
deadpan, self-deprecating manner, and he gets a couple of decent lines
here and there. And Lakin, once she's all gussied up, is completely
cute. But both are in need of a serious makeover when it comes to their
choice in movie projects.
"The Hottie and the Nottie," from Regent Releasing, is rated PG-13
for crude and sexual content. Running time: 98 minutes. One and a half
stars out of four.
(© 2008 The Associated Press. All Rights Reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed.)