Entertainment

By Tara Lipinsky, wcbstv.com
NEW YORK (CBS) ― "This whole party-girl, rich girl, mindless attitude is becoming more pervasive… I hate the idea [that] women have to spend their lives shopping for clothes and makeup, and dumb themselves down to be cute." - Pink

Yeah, but those girls seem to get all the press.

It's all about Britney and her boys this week in the glossies, and I don't mean her backup dancers. I'm talking about her children, Sean Preston and Jayden James.

"Brit's Bizarre Behavior Is Bad for Her Babies."

No kidding.

"What's Wrong with her?"

She's Crazy.

"What Pushed Britney Over the Edge?"

Take your pick -- alcohol, the paparazzi, K-fed… I could go on forever.

"Behind the Custody Battle: Kevin's Secret Weapon."

Um. It's no secret.

"Britney: Inside Her Babies' Tragic World"

Frankly, it doesn't seem so tragic to me, ya'll.

Brit reportedly leaves the boys in the pool unattended, calls her cigarettes lollipops and sends Sean to fetch them for her, and gives them bottles full of juice and pop to shut them up.

My husband, Cousin Carl, and I have been fetching our pappy's smokes since we was toddlers. And my momma who lives in the trailer right across from mine taught me that bottle trick when my babies won't stop wailing. And she has a double-wide!

Us also speculates Britney might have a mental illness:

"Her erratic behavior has moved into bipolar disorder," surmises psychologist Dr. Robert Butterworth, who has not treated Spears, 25.

"Your energy level and emotions alternate between highs and lows, and that seems to have happened here."

Psychologist Robi Ludwig, who also hasn't treated her, agrees – to a point.

"It seems that Britney has a mood disorder," she says, acknowledging that the singer's behavior is "self-destructive, erratic and dramatic," which could also be symptomatic of drug and alcohol abuse.

Well thank God we have Us to do the hard-hitting investigative reporting. Please. Basically they quote a bunch of people who have never treated Britney. And, guess what? I fit that bill also. And I say she's nuts, she's bonkers, she's completely off her rocker.

Okay, I'll admit, Nicole Richie is handling her DUI jail sentence and impending motherhood with a bit of class, so far. But it doesn't take away from the fact that she's dumb. She reportedly had to take a pregnancy test five times, and When Ok! asked how many children she wanted she replied, "three girls and twin boys." What?

And her favorite pregnancy food is sushi. Pregnant women aren't allowed to eat sushi.

Do you think she realizes she's not supposed to pop Xanax, or Oxycontin? And by the way Nic, drinking alcohol is a no-no also.

But what I found more disturbing was Lionel Richie's reaction to the news he was going to be a grandfather. According to Usweekly.com Nicole says he told her, "Now you're going to get to experience everything that I have and everything that you've done to me; it's definitely going to come back to you."

Nice. Real nice. I wouldn't wish that on any parent.

Actor Chris O'Donnell and his wife are expecting their fifth child. Well, that answers the question of what he's been up to since his career tanked.

Usher's eleventh-hour cancellation of his wedding to Tameka Foster had tongues wagging from coast to coast. Most insiders say he couldn't go through with it because his mother did not approve of Tameka. But, Us claims Usher told their publication the wedding is not called off, it was just postponed – due to a pregnancy scare, when Tameka began having labor pains.

Oh. I bet there was a pregnancy scare, all right. The moment Tameka Foster told Usher she was knocked up, I bet he was terrified.

And I'm sure the "scare" had nothing to do with the fact that Usher's momma hates Tameka. She's a divorcee whose ten years older than he is with three kids, and won't sign a prenup.

Hey, and just a tip for all you young ladies out there. You won't have to worry about a potential groom using the "labor scare" excuse on your wedding day if you wait until after you're married to get pregnant.

Life & Style claims "Justin [Timberlake] is shopping for a ring." I am sure he is. But I'm also sure it's not for Jessica Biel. It's probably for his mother. Everyone knows he belongs with Usher in the Momma's boy hall of fame.

According to Life & Style, Katie Holmes wants hubby Tom Cruise to dress "younger" and "hipper." Well, Katie, he's not young or hip. He's 45. He's practically old enough to be your dad. If you wanted young and hip, you should have married someone your own age. Ya know, like that cutie Chris Klein you used to date?

Katherine Heigl should look up the word "overexposure.'

Us has an exclusive on Jennifer Lopez called, of all things, "How I Escaped the Drama." Are they kidding me? Is this article a work of fiction? Haven't they ever heard the term "Bennifer?" She created the couple drama.

According to The National Enquirer Lindsay Lohan is a real life mean girl:

"'The higher Lindsay got, the more arrogant and mean she became,' said a former party pal of the 21-year-old star. 'She ranted and raved about her talent, claiming: "I'm the greatest actress in the world! No one's even close to me right now!" And then she proceeded to viciously slam a slew of young actresses, who she considered to be her competition.'"

Here's what she said about her fellow actresses:

Scarlett Johansson is "ugly, fat and has no talent."

Jessica Simpson "can't sing and is dumb as (bleep)."

Sienna Miller is a "no-talent crackhead."

Keira Knightley is "a flat, shallow, cardboard cutout of an actress."

Jessica Biel is a "phony, scheming, joke of an actress."

That may be true Lindsay, but none of them are in rehab or heading to the slammer. Oh, and I believe they all still have careers.

And despite the current DUI drama, Lindsay's sister Ali is speaking out in her defense: "The whole reason why my sister is upset with herself and not as confident is because of my dad not being around… he was always making excuses for his bad behavior."

Well, Ali, it sounds like the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

Us has a blurb called "Jessica Simpson's Big Bomb." At first I didn't read it because I assumed it was about "The Dukes of Hazard," or her marriage to Nick Lachey. But, it turns out it was about her new flick "Blonde Ambition."

Newsflash! Star Jones had gastric bypass surgery. Now, how long do you think we'll have to wait until she admits to having head to toe plastic surgery?

I can't wait to see the trash they throw out there next week.

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