Family First

Family First: Are You A 'Yes' Parent?

NEW YORK (CBS) ― It can be tough to say, "no" to your kids, but if you become a "yes" parent you'll likely run into trouble down the road. Dr. Susan Newman is a social psychologist and the author of The Book of NO: 250 Ways to Say It--and Mean It and Stop People-Pleasing Forever.

If you're not sure whether you're a "yes parent"... Dr. Newman says take the test.

Are You a Yes-Parent?

If three of these sounds vaguely like you, it's likely that your children turn you into a yes-person quite easily. It's time to take stock and learn how to say no.

• At least one room in your house looks like a toy store.


• At any given hour the couch doubles as a trampoline, a wrestling mat, a hiding place or arts and crafts center.


• Your child wears his Halloween costume to school in February.


• You're on a first-name basis with the workers at McDonald's.


• Your child has everything her best friend has.


• Your six-year-old stays up so late that he can fill you in on Jay Leno's monologue from the night before.


• Your daughter's last birthday party was more elaborate than your wedding.


• You have three dogs, two kittens, and a parakeet who all hang out around the fish tank.


• You spend most Saturday evenings in the movie theatre parking lot waiting for your children and their friends.


• You spend Sunday evenings writing history reports and crafting science projects you found out about during dinner.


• 11. The text messaging charges are bigger than your monthly cell phone fee.


• 12. Your child's band equipment takes up the parking space in the garage.

What prompted you to write the book?

I lived way too many years trying to please everyone and feeling angry with myself for agreeing and many times resentful of the people who were asking me for favors or to bail them out. I realized I wasn't the only one, and this habit of saying yes was particularly significant among women and parents.

We live in a culture of yes-parents who are extremely overextended, usually exhausted, and feeling anxious. Parents today want more for their children than they had and don't want to see their children unhappy for a single second. The combination creates incredible, ongoing stress and anxiety. The simple solution is to learn to say no.

What are some of the most common issues where parents have trouble saying no?

In just about any area other than safety issues and the difficulty starts when children are very young and continues long into an offspring's adulthood when many ask parents for money to purchase cars or homes or finance a vacation.

Among younger children and teens, the difficulty begins with requests to stay up later, to play before doing homework, to take lessons or join a team or activity a friend is involved in. Other areas that seem to "catch" parents are children asking parents to excuse them from chores (raking leaves, cleaning the garage, doing dishes) which really underscore that children are part of a family and need to contribute to its well-being.

Parents also have difficulty saying no to toys advertised on television and toys, games and electronic accessories that friends have in many cases because they want their children to be part of the group and to fit in.

As many parents try to keep up with the Jones's... how do you explain to your kids your family won't do it

Not easily when a child is hounding you for something. But, if you want to instill a different set of values and reduce parental worry particularly if what your child is asking for will stretch you too thin either emotionally or financially, being firm is justified.

You can ask your child if she understands how much an item costs; ask her what else we could do with the money; or explain what else you are going to do with the money. You can directly explain this spending for whatever the item or expense is not how we spend our money. It is important for parents themselves to act in ways that reflects their beliefs. In other words, if you tell a child she can't have the same t-shirt in six colors, then as a parent, don't go buy yourself six t-shirts in the different colors.

Best way to say, "no" to tattoos, piercings and other things you may not agree with?

Children who add tattoos, piercings, coloring their hair, anything of that sort done to the body are not considering the long-term or short-term affects. Short-term infections, long-term, the research simply isn't conclusive, for example, about hair dye. Even beyond medically, children, particularly the younger ones, can't project to how they might feel about a tattoo, for instance, ten years down the road that may interfere with the look of the must-have wedding dress or its effect on the groom's family.

A parent's role is to guide and the best way is to inform a child of the possible dangers; consider the impetuousness of the desire and use that as an opportunity to tell your child he or she must wait a few months and you will revisit the request with him or her. A parent can also say no by not agreeing to foot the bill. If your child has the money then you want to tell your child you are against the idea—with some children your disapproval will be a deterrent; with others, it will be ineffectual, but worth a try. You might also have a discussion about fads and how trends change as quickly as they arrive.

Another approach is to ask your child why? If it's because friends are being tattooed, point how doing what others do is not necessarily the correct choice for her. If you did something similar as a teen, you might also want to point out how you felt as you got older.

What can we teach our kids by saying no?

Saying no teaches critical life skills and minimizes parental worry. Appropriate use of no helps children learn to prioritize, to balance work and play/their obligations, to respect and understand money and its value, to cope with disappointment, and in some instances, saying no sharpens their ability to argue (when they have to plead their case to you).

What are we teaching them if we don't say no?

When parents give in to every whim and want, a child comes to expect everything is coming her way. You run the risk of raising an elitist who will have a difficult time out in the real world when she doesn't get what she wants when she wants it.

What to keep in mind when the guilt sets in?

In child rearing, I always encourage parents to park their guilt. They will, or should, be saying no for many years. Saying no is a parental right. As adults, your children will find something far more significant than the electronic gizmo or sleepover you denied 15 or 20 years earlier.

How do you know when to say no?

Often, understanding when to say no is a gut reaction, a trigger that tells the parent the situation makes them feel uncomfortable (it's risky for their child such as an overnight if you feel she won't make it through the night at a friend's house or wants to get in the car with someone who just got his driver's license).

You will want to say no when what your child is asking puts too much strain on you (the request means four more hours in the car per week or spending extra money you don't have).

When you feel your child is starting to have control of your life is a signal to pull back and think "no" before you consider saying "yes."

The easiest times to realize a no is called for: when you're stomach does a somersault and anxiety grabs hold of you.



Why is it often so hard for parents to say no?

They want their children to love them, but saying yes, will not earn that love over the long haul. Some parents agree just to avoid argument and confrontation. It's seems easier.

Parents who are competitive believe that giving into a child's wants will give them an advantage, an edge that signing up for yet another sport or buying into the educational value of a particular game will help them in the future (read: getting in to college).

Parents want their children to be part of the group, and if that's what other children have or are doing, theirs need it as well making all the more difficult to refuse.

Final thoughts?

Children get over disappointment far faster than adults. When you say no, within a few hours, with older children maybe a day or two, children move on to a different crisis or need of the moment. Your children may even thank you for teaching them by example how to say no. It's an indispensable ability that will apply to most aspects of their lives as move into the difficult teen years and adulthood.

Send comments to Cindy Hsu by clicking here.

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