Family First

• Jun 15, 2006 4:40 pm US/Eastern
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  Family First: Post-Adoption Depression

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Family First: Post-Adoption Depression

(CBS) We all know how serious post-partum depression can be, but can parents who have adopted suffer from the blues? Experts say yes, and it's more common than you might think.

Dr. Jane Aronson is a pediatrician in Manhattan who specializes in adoptive families. She's a pioneer in the field of adoption medicine and the founder of Worldwide Orphans which is a non-profit organization that improves the lives of children living in orphanages throughout the world. She also adopted two beautiful sons Ben and Des from Vietnam and Ethiopia.

How common are Post Adoption Blues?

I would say that at least a third to half of families have some PAB.

What causes it?

Exhaustion from the process.

You wait so long and you fill out so many papers and you feel harassed and then you have to travel very far away and you have jet lag and the kids are usually sick and skinny when they arrive and you just have too much to do and not enough time in the day to do it all. You have expectations that everything will be glorious and then there is the reality of all the work involved in parenting even if the child didn't have special needs which kids have when they have lived in an orphanage.

What are the symptoms?

- Feeling very sad and sorry that you did the adoption
- Poor appetite or too much appetite
- Hard to get out of bed or difficulty sleeping or both -- night awakenings, fitful sleep pattern
- Change in digestion -- diarrhea or constipation or both
- Change in behavior, i.e. vexed easily, short with family and friends, angry, impatient
- No sexual desire -- that happens anyway when you have kids and are very happy
- Memory problems -- when you are old this happens anyway
- Thought processes are not clear for some people

Please share your own experience

I became depressed after I adopted my second child who was 6 years old at the time of his adoption. I worked very hard to process all the papers quickly and then I prepared to go to Ethiopia and I was in the work mode to make it all happen. Then when I was in Addis and I met him, I got scared. I didn't recognize the boy who was in the photos; we didn't speak the same language and he seemed so far away and distant and so did I. I didn't feel well in Addis and then finally ended up dreadfully ill and that in my mind was the beginning of the depression.

I actually panicked in Addis and called a dear friend who had adopted a number of kids including two from Ethiopia. She just told me to stop thinking and just go back to the work mode. She told me to not panic as what I was feeling was normal; it had happened to her. I got through the trip after that; I traveled with someone who helped me with my son to make sure that he had fun and he was relaxed when I was frozen, and then when I got home I realized that I was missing my younger son so very much that I was out of my mind. I realized or thought that I had betrayed my younger son by adopting this older boy. I was beside myself with guilt. So for months I was distant and cold and then felt worse about how I felt about my new boy. My partner adored him and that was very helpful and gradually I felt less guilty and as my younger son was visibly feeling more comfortable with his new brother, I felt better. And I had some therapy and talks a lot about the feelings of sadness and guilt, and then I talked about my sadness and upset and conflict with other parents and by helping them I helped myself.

What can parents do to overcome Post Adoption Blues?

- Be honest with yourself and your partner
- Seek help of a therapist
- Talk about it openly to your doctor/pediatrician who has the expertise to handle Post Partum Depression which sans the hormone changes is the same in my mind

What can partners and friends do?

- Invite the parent with blues to talk
- Make the parent feel normal and safe
- Post Adoption Blues is normal and is not to be criticized

Anything to help prevent the blues, going into the adoption process?

It is hard to prevent something that clearly comes from the reality of the situation. What may diminish the intensity of it is that the parents know that it might happen and to talk about the possibility of it in the pediatrician's office or with friends and family. The friends and the family may admit that they had such experiences when they had children.

Final Thoughts?

- People need to feel safe
- Seek safety

I want people to know that their sadness finally won't harm the child. The child is sad too with the adjustment and you have a lot in common. Both parties are learning to attach and you can be kind and patient with one another instead of fearing the natural process.

Dr. Jane Aronson

Post Adoption Blues

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