Nov 6, 2009 11:50 pm US/Eastern
CBS 2 HD Has Tips To Survive The In-Laws
Are There More Marie Barone's Out There? Some Daughters-In-Law Simply Can't Take It; We Went To An Expert For Help
NEW YORK (CBS) ―
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A lot of people feel like Raymond's mother in "Everybody Loves Raymond" is a fairly accurate depiction of how many mothers-in-law are in general.
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How to cook, how to clean, when to have children and how to raise them!
Pushy in-laws push couples to the breaking point. It's an ongoing battle that many wage, but there are strategies to help you win the war.
It was the happiest day of Patricia Brandon's life …
until ….
"My mother-in-law came into my bridal suite," Brandon said.
And said the words no bride ever wants to hear.
"'You look so bloated, why did you select a dress like that?'" Brandon said.
Brandon says it was the moment her mother-in-law realized she was about to have to
share her son … and
waged war.
"She didn't like being the second woman in his life," Brandon said.
Over-bearing mother-in-laws … they've been a staple and cliched story-line of many sitcoms, like "Everybody Loves Raymond" and "The Honeymooners."
But now new research shows this stereotypical family member isn't so funny for an increasing number of couples who site meddling mothers-in-law as a factor in divorce.
"A lot of them are that way," one person told CBS 2 HD.
"Overbearing and intrusive," added another.
Other research shows they may be even harder on daughters-in-law, who said they suffered from long term stress brought on by tense relationships with their mothers-in-law.
One woman was so afraid to say how she feels about her husband's mother she asked CBS 2 HD to conceal her identity.
"She can be very manipulative when it comes to him," she said.
Constant phone calls, dropping by unannounced and criticism of her parenting skills she says drove her to the brink of divorce.
"'What are we doing about potty training'...'What are we doing about them eating more vegetables.' I am the parent. You're the grandmother," she said.
To which bridal coach Jeri Kadison says "It's not a tug of war."
Kadison counsels many a couple with similar issues.
"Strategizing as a couple is really going to disarm the situation," Kadison said.
Kadison's advice:
* Accept your differing expectations
* Talk about them with your in-laws honestly and confidently
* Treat your in-laws the way you'd like to be treated
And the best non-committal response to unsolicited child-care advice, experts say is "that's a good idea."
"As a team, lighten up about the whole thing. I know some of my couples tape each other under the table," Kadison said.
Although Brandon's marriage didn't last, the scars from her experience did and she started an online support group for daughters-in-law, where women from all around the world tell their tales and offer advice.
"That wasn't why we split up, but you know, I think that put a strain on him as well," Brandon said.
"The first couple of stories I read I just felt all of a sudden calm because it was like I'm not the only one."
Mothers-in-law CBS 2 HD spoke to say they just want the best for their children. As for fathers-in-law, the overall consensus was that they are much more laid back.
The following is Kadison's list of unique and simple tips on how to all get along:
Holidays and In laws
Setting new traditions, changing trepidation to anticipation, and enjoying the upcoming holiday visits with your in-laws takes time, patience and some new strategies.
Before I begin, let me address the in-laws!
Hopefully, you have given your son or daughter roots and wings. They have a partner who they love.
As in laws can be a major source of stress and strife, it is time to think how your actions or comments, your attitude needs adjusting. Try to think about comments that might be provocative. Check them at the door. Look for positives.
Time for us in-laws to relinquish control. You can only control yourself, what you say, how you say it.
Think about what not to say.
Welcome your son/daughter into your home with love and if you go to their house for the holidays, respect their traditions and customs.
You can offer to help and beforehand communicate how much you are looking forward to this year
Making change is one major step in the right direction.
Before I turn the focus to the couple, read further because there are tips and tools that you, too, "the in-laws" can use to get through the holidays so you look good and feel good. As a mother in law, I use them so I know they work.
So turning attention to couples, here are some proven stress management techniques and tips that will improve your in law relationships and put the happy back into the holidays.
Pre in-law visit
1. Awareness is key.
Sit down alone and then with your partner. Identify: Write down why you feel stressed with in laws visit. What can you do to disarm the situation positive changes? Handle the situations?
Come from love. Do not engage in a tug of war. Try to get on the same side, family.
Remember your partner can complain about their parent but if you do they will get defensive. That is why you have friends!
Do not gripe, try to problem solve. It is not hip to keep that "in- law" "tug of war/ struggle of will "stereotype going
Know that you are not alone! Watch a movie to laugh with your partner about family get-togethers and in laws!
"Meet the Fockers," "National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation," "Monster In Law"
2. Plan and Prepare a new in law strategy:
Communication is key.
This takes practice to learn to communicate from love. Not to attack. To problem solve! Make some adjustments!
What to say! What not to say! How to say it!
There may be some pre in- law visit points you can address
Do not try to vent or bring up provocative subjects during the visit
Holidays can be bittersweet...to be handled with care!
You cannot change anyone...but you can change your own actions and reactions
Reassure your in law(s) they are wanted, and needed in your lives
That you respect and appreciate their customs when you go into their home and would love to start some new traditions when you have them to your home.
Plan for the visit:
At your in-laws:
Ask what you can do to help: bring a dish/dessert-clean up.
Bring a gift; a gift certificate for a her as a thank you to be used post holiday visit! i.e. massage, mani/pedi for your mother in law! That will disarm and make her feel wanted and appreciated
Another gift suggestion; scents and fragrances shift mood and diminish stress: sachets, room sprays, candles
Citrus uplifts!
Lavender-relaxing and calms
****Cinnamon- warms,calms,eases tension and comforts!
Lighten up the situation, add some humor, a touching gift! A mani/pedi or massage for your mother in law! Show your appreciation for her efforts. What can you do for her? Remember she needs reassurance she is still needed and wanted and included!
In laws at your home:
Make them feel welcome
Have some of their favorite foods/ drink-
If they are staying over, some extra touches to suit their taste and make them feel comfortable
Set the mood on the Day of the holiday in law visit:
Add a cinnamon stick to the hot apple cider or holiday wine
Make a stress management brew! Mix some cinnamon and cloves with water, bring to a boil and then let it steep! Breathing in the aroma will work some magic shifting moods! Warming, calming easing tension!
Plan a pleasurable activity for yourself and as a couple after your holiday in law visit!
Plan to meet with friends after the visit or the next day!
Pampering or relaxing the next day!
Stress management Tips:
1. You will get annoyed.
2. Nothing is perfect. Holidays are provocative, bittersweet
3. Family visits are stressful-do not bring up hot or highly charged topics/discussions
4. Exercise reduces stress and boosts your mood-exercise before the in law visit/ take a walk during the visit
5. The hotter the situation, the cooler you need to be icy cold water not only hydrates but cools your mood! So drink water or run some cold water on your wrists! Before and during!
6. What's on your mind is on your face:
Practice smiling: a smile lowers blood pressure
Go to a mirror before and during your in law visit: practice putting a smile on your face
Hold it for 30 -60 seconds! For an extra kick think: I feel good! I am happy! I love my partner!
Guaranteed to make you feel better!
7. Use a peppermint essence which helps refresh and revitalize. A minty shower in the morning! Some minty shaving cream, or a peppermint lip gloss
8. Do not drink too much alcohol. Numbing your self is not the answer and you might say something you will regret
9. Try this instead when you feel tense, angry or upset
Breathe in for the count of 5 hold for 5 breathe out for 5
Repeat 5 times. This can be done right at the dinner table! Or you can excuse yourself, go for a walk or and try this in the bathroom.
10. Remember angry thoughts deplete energy and activate nasty stress hormones. Laugher and finding humor in the situation is the antidote will work wonders!
11. Learn the art of compromise
12. Practice the art of small talk with your in laws at holiday visits
13.Change your thoughts , perceptions and attitude-be more accepting while taking care of yourself. Take off your boxing gloves. Do not participate in a tug of war.
Day of : prepare a checklist of tips and reminders
Plan a strategy with your partner when you are all together and feel your jaw clenching, your temperature rising … be aware!
Have a signal with your partner so you remind each other to lighten up, count the little or big things that annoy you but you know you cannot change! Tap his lap! Kick him under the table! Touch your nose!
Text or call a friend-have each other on standby!
Take a walk.
Use the stress management tools listed (listed above). Excuse yourself and go for a walk or use the bathroom as your little haven!
Coming from love and not trying to control others behaviors
Reward yourself: In the most difficult of situation, plan something pleasurable enjoyable to do afterward the in law get together!
For example: meet friends, go to a movie, stay in bed the next day relaxing
If you can start a new tradition: Invite friends over for left-over's the next day just think of the stories you can swap!
If you are staying at the in laws, take yourself and your mother in law for a mani-pedi, shop, treat her to a massage-all proven to boost endorphins and reduce stress!
Try to come together as a family with their normal expected differences
Try to harmonize!
Martyrdom is not a good thing
So take care of yourself
United as a couple you can: Find humor in the situation!
(© MMIX, CBS Broadcasting Inc. All Rights Reserved.)
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